


Session 417

by Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Academy, Gen, Riverspeak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-04
Updated: 2006-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-06 22:46:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This girl has a mission, and it must be documented. Otherwise, there is nothing to present on Grand Rounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Session 417

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alianora](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alianora/gifts), [literarylemming](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=literarylemming).



> This is written in response to the [ R. Tam Sessions,](http://www.session416.com) which aliaspiral (on LJ, alianora in other places) and literarylemming wanted to see more fic about. I'm writing this at work, so I don't have a transcript and I'm working from memory. I'm also making some sessions up.

"The bluebirds are screaming."

The camera was perched on top of an empty crate, stacked on top of Jayne's workbench. There was no appropriate place to conduct this business, so the girl had to make do. She knew what she had to do, though no one else seemed to. She had a new doctor, and he didn't know his duty. She had to do everything for him.

_I have a secret._

The camera was silent, watching, an everpresent silent eye. _I can see you._

Her eyes tracked the silent eye, head cocked to the side, listening. Laughter upstairs, lilting, soft, tilting. Simon and Kaylee and Jayne; the others finished the morning meal. Meds already given; qam was six o'clock by a dead world's time. Slide under skin, no pills to cheek or spit, no bolus needed today. She was on a steady rhythm sliding through her veins.

"They tell me all I need to know, the blue... Blue Hands. Standing. The tests have not yet begun again, there is nothing new. I am not progressing!" She got up, began to pace. The silent eye would catch her. Hair falling down, plucking at a dress that was not a gown with ties. "They were supposed to continue. Highest marks. Can hear them. Never see, no faces, but can see them, behind the glass. Behind the menagerie, hear them in the piping on the pillows. See them, tracking, moving. _Hunt._ I was to progress. This girl was to have a mission, she was to have a purpose, to have direction and goals. Give and take, response. Newtonian physics, reaction to action, gravity pulling."

The girl stared at the silent eye of the camera. "You have given me a mission, but I am not progressing. You do not comprehend, you do not react appropriately. You do not follow, you do not understand." She smiled, large and wide, full of teeth. "There is something strange here, and there are other dangers you do not know of."

***

She dropped the tape in front of Simon at the table. He and Kaylee had come to some sort of an understanding, an almost-togetherness, a push-pull of words. This unspoken thing between them was silent and subtle, almost growing to something larger.

Simon looked up at River. _"Mei mei?"_

Her expression was blank, eyes glazed over. Frightened, Simon recognized that look. He half rose in his seat, and her hand shot out to his shoulder. River pushed him down into the chair easily, not looking at him. Her gaze was somewhere over his shoulder, not connecting with anything in the kitchen.

"This girl has a new doctor, but he does not know procedure. This girl has a mission, and it must be documented. Otherwise, there is nothing to present on Grand Rounds." River's other hand pointed at the tape on the table. "Session 417 is now recorded. They must be added to the rest of the documentation."

Simon was ghostly pale, and even Jayne wasn't breathing. He had almost been done with breakfast, and now desperately wished to be far away. He shouldn't have been there to see this, he had nothing to do with this.

"River, honey?" Kaylee began tentatively. She didn't reach out for her friend; something was off, and no one seemed to know what it was.

"She will not be swayed, not turned. I have a mission. It is time to begin." Now her eyes snapped to Simon. "There must be direction."

"Go to your room," Simon said, voice barely steady. "I will deal with you later."

River nodded, moving like an automaton. "This is acceptable. This girl must prepare."

Once River was out of the room, Simon stared at the tape on the table in horror. "Oh God."

"Simon?" Kayle asked, voice shaking. "What just happened?"

"She was doing so well..." Simon couldn't take his eyes off of the tape. "I thought she was progressing, that she was getting better. I told her so, just this morning, just before breakfast. I told her how well she was doing, and how much farther we could go."

Jayne could feel his terror like a palpable thing. "Doc, what's she talking 'bout? What tapes? What sessions is she talking 'bout?"

"They were studying her," Simon said, his voice strangled. "They... They taped it. Sessions, four times a week, just... I have them. I... I can't stand watching them." He left the room abruptly, leaving the tape behind.

Jayne picked it up, looking at it thoughtfully. He looked over at Kaylee. "Ever see these tapes before?" he asked, turning the tape over in his big hands. He watched Kaylee shake her head. "Ever want to?"

"Jayne, I don't think we should. Them tapes are private."

"Better to know what he's talkin' 'bout, ain't it?"

Kaylee bit her lip with uncertainty. "I don't know if I wanna know."

"Well, I do. An' if it's somethin' serious, Mal and Zoe'll wanna know."

"I'll get them for you," Kaylee said, voice fragile. "But I ain't watchin' 'em."

"Fair enough." Jayne pocketed the tape and waited.

_I have a mission._

***

Jayne put the first tape in the player. Session 1; the label was fairly innocuous looking. It didn't look like anything capable of being terrifying. He hit play, and there she was, sitting and smiling. She looked normal, fairly sweet. She was somebody's little sister, somebody incredibly brilliant and eager to explore her capabilities. Jayne had blinked in surprise as that realization kicked in. This would terrify Simon. He would be afraid that he could never get this sister back, that he was trapped with a _feng le_ girl this close to killing everybody.

Jayne felt a shiver run down his back. Yeah. That was terrifying.

_Would I still be able to dance?_

She didn't know. Jayne could feel his stomach drop as he went through the next few sessions, skipping through the boring schooling parts. Physics, chemistry, biology, anatomy, astrophysics, cartography, tactics, language, geography; if he'd have wanted schooling, he'd have stayed in school and learned something. But this girl had liked learning, had loved her classes, had laughed when she said she had taught another girl the basics of ballet. River had never known what she would become, had never guessed. There was something inherently sad in that.

It was little things at first. Maybe Simon picked up on it, too, but Kaylee certainly wouldn't have seen it. Kaylee wasn't a tracker, wasn't a doctor. She wasn't trained to pick up on tiny details in people. She didn't know how sometimes it was the details that let you live or die.

River started slouching. Her hair hung down partly in front of her face. She stopped making eye contact with the faceless doctor. Her sentences grew shorter. She didn't smile anymore. The shadows under her eyes grew deeper. Her hands stopped keeping still in her lap.

She knew now. Her agitation was showing, and she knew something wasn't quite right. _I… I want to transfer. Another program..._ Her voice was cracking.

_No, River,_ Jayne thought, leaning back in the chair. _They weren't never gonna let you leave, not like that._ He watched her accept their excuses, watched her shoulders sink just a little bit more. Something twisted in his gut at that. Didn't them scientists get raised up right? Didn't they have Mommas that would raise 'em up proper, tell 'em how to treat little girls?

He skipped a few sessions. Somewhere in the hundreds, she began to get up without asking. The pen in the doctor's hand tightened a fraction, but he forced his hand to ease. The doctor knew what he was dealing with. He had probably seen it a thousand times before, and never seemed surprised at what he was seeing. "You ain't got no soul," Jayne hissed to the screen.

River was pacing. Back and forth, back and forth, agitated. Words tumbled down, her hair hung in dirty strands, her hands kept twisting in and out of each other. Jayne had seen people snap just after something like this. The brain could only take so much.

_Why did you rip apart your mattress?_ the doctor asked, voice low and gentle. Nothing about him ever seemed to betray any feeling. But the grip on his pen was tight, his strokes on the pad were stiff and angled. There. There it was, the fear, the _knowledge_ that things might be trending down toward the wrong.

Jayne's finger hovered above the fast forward button. There was something wrong in this, he shouldn't be seeing this, he shouldn't know this. Mal and Zoe. They had to know, they had to see this, they had to understand. Jayne shouldn't be the one to know this, he shouldn't see her as any more than some crazy girl cracked upside the head and cut upon. Things were simpler if he didn't know this, didn't see this, didn't have to feel this.

_Don't you understand? I have to protect my spine!_ River was screeching. _You cut it out! You cut it out! You cut it out!_

He was just hungry. That wasn't fear in his belly. That wasn't pain. His belly was empty and cold, and his spine shook inside his back. Jayne hit the eject button, shutting his eyes. It wasn't right. He shouldn't have been watching these. He shouldn't have been curious.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Jayne skipped forward. Two hundreds, three hundreds. Sobbing, curling in on herself, pulling on her hair and chewing on her own fingers. _Ladyfingers, they taste just like ladyfingers._ They had to give her a smoother, and then they continued with the session.

"Heartless _hun dan,"_ Jayne whispered. He couldn't tear his eyes away.

_We need material to present, Miss Tam,_ the smooth voice of the doctor continued. He seemed indifferent to the girl's pain. _I'm afraid we must continue, until we have something to present to the others._

_Grand Rounds?_ River asked dully. _Presentation of a case._

_Yes. You're our star pupil._

She didn't look up or seem surprised by that statement. _I'm not progressing._

The doctor gave a soft chuckle. _Nonsense. Of course you are._

Jayne ejected the tape, unable to see more. What was he supposed to say now? What was he supposed to do?

There it was at the bottom of the box, deep in the pile. Session 416, the last one she had at the Academy. The one she had made that morning was Session 417, apparently picking up where she left off.

How did Simon watch them? Because Jayne knew he would have watched them all, looked for any clue, every nuance. He would have turned off the brother side of himself and kept himself in doctor mode. He would have looked for _anything_ to make her well, whatever he thought of as well. Jayne knew better. That girl from Session 1 was lost. She was gone, gone, cut apart and glued back together somehow different.

His stomach bottomed out during the last session. _I have a mission._ She was sitting there, head down, smile on her face. Too docile, too calm. Jayne's instincts were on fire, screaming. It was time to move, that was simply the eye of the storm, it was to lull and soothe before the kill, before everything came crashing down.

The _gorram_ Academy doctor was ignoring his instincts. _You can tell me anything._

_No, I can't. But I can write it down._

Jayne watched the doctor hand over the pen. "You fool. You _gorram_ fool."

Jayne knew it was coming, flinched anyway. A pen. He'd never look at one the same way again.

_The pen is mightier than the sword._

Blood everywhere, and the gurgling sounds of someone drowning in their own blood. Jayne had heard it once too often, had seen it before. Nothing new, nothing special, nothing dramatic. Death was never beautiful or glorious.

And then she was there, in front of the camera, eyes wide and wild, hand raised and covered in blood. _I can see you._

_"Ta ma de!"_ Jayne cried, pushing himself away from the screen. He was shaking. He was shaking like a greenhorn, some stupid first year hunter, some innocent.

Her eyes. He couldn't get the vision of her eyes out of his head. He ejected the tape with more force than was necessary.

_I have a mission. I can see you._

_Ta ma de,_ those _eyes._

***

Jayne found Simon and River in the passenger dorm. She was sleeping, curled up on her side on the bed, hair spilling out around her. Simon was sitting there, running his fingers through her hair. A half dozen empty syringes had been tossed to the floor, and he had a helpless look on his face as he stared at his sister. Something like simmering rage came to a boil within Jayne, and he slammed the box of tapes onto the dresser. "Here they are, doc, all 417 of them."

Simon flinched, but remained silent.

"How'd you do it? How'd you watch it, knowing all the while what she is now?"

"I had to try," Simon replied, voice raw. "If there was something..."

"Ain't nothing. All that tinkering ain't gonna do nothing. She's where she is and ain't no changing that anymore. Time you saw that."

Simon's jaw tightened, and he finally looked up at Jayne. "I don't accept that."

"And if she goes completely off her gourd? If she thinks this mission you gave her is to kill us all? You think we'll stand aside and let her?"

"That _won't_ happen. I won't let it."

"You strong enough to do what needs to be done if it comes to it? You think you can do it? Your own baby sister you're trying to save?"

Simon's eyes were narrowed almost to slits. "What do you care? What do you know anyway? This has nothing to do with you, nothing. You don't understand what's been done, and you can't care any less. I can do this. I can help her. She's getting _better."_

And Jayne saw it suddenly, a bright flash of light in the darkness. Simon wanted her to be better, wanted to keep from being a failure. He wanted his sister back, knew it was useless just the same as he did. But he couldn't let himself give up, couldn't let her be swallowed up by the darkness threatening to overtake her. For his own sanity, he needed to believe that she could improve, that he had done right by her.

Jayne nodded reluctantly. "If she's better, she's better." He took a step toward the door, then turned around. "How do you do it, doc?"

Simon's gaze was wary. "Do what?"

"How do you keep from breaking them things? How do you stop from screaming or hittin' on walls or smacking on something?"

_Because I'm not you,_ Simon wanted to say. But that would be mean, and that wasn't quite fair. He sighed instead. "I feel like it, sometimes." He looked down at River, finally sleeping off this strange episode. "But it won't help her if I do. It won't change anything. The damage is done. The most I can do is fix it."

There was defeat in Simon's voice. It was a losing battle and he knew it, but was going to fight it anyway. Rather like Mal going in against the Alliance. Some battles just aren't meant to be won, but that didn't mean they shouldn't be fought.

Jayne shoved his hands in his pockets. "Don't think I could do that," he said quietly. "I don't think I could just take it."

"Sometimes you have to." Simon threaded his fingers through his sister's hair, face contorted with pain. "Sometimes you have no choice. She's all I've got left. I don't have any other family anymore. Everything I have is right here."

Jayne felt an odd ache sitting in his stomach, and merely nodded. He felt so helpless, so useless; he had to break something, do something, anything. "I don't... I don't rightly know if I got recommendations," he began slowly. "It ain't my area of expertise. But them other tapes... None of them Session numbers, I mean the training tapes and such... those'll be more helpful. Not watchin' her die. That won't do anybody any good, doc."

"Watching her die?" Simon echoed, looking up at Jayne again.

"She ain't right. She ain't the same. She's different now, doc." Jayne took a deep breath. "I don't reckon I got any place to say so, but that don't make it not true. You know it, even if you don't want to admit it. You don't have to, but it's still true."

"I'd like you to leave," Simon said slowly. His voice sounded raw, as if he'd been screaming or drowning. His eyes seemed empty. "Please, just leave."

"Yeah." Jayne's own voice sounded lower and huskier than usual. "I'll do that."

Simon watched Jayne leave, and leaned back against the wall. Kaylee had admitted to him after the fact that she had stolen the tapes, that she had given them to Jayne to see. Ostensibly for security reasons, so that he could know what they were all up against.

"I hope you found what you were looking for, Jayne," Simon whispered to the closed door. "I never did."

_This girl was to have a mission, she was to have a purpose, to have direction and goals._

Simon looked down at his sister, his beautiful psychotic sister. He had to believe there was a purpose and a goal. He had to believe that he was doing the right thing. He had to believe that she was getting better. He had to believe that someday she would be something more like the girl she once was.

He had to believe. He had to.

***  
***


End file.
